apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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