I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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