I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
