He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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