Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Randomize
