My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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