Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
