I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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