I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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