You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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