my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
