my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize