I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
