It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
