She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
