i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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