he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
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Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
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I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
You are the jesus of drinking
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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