Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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