How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
