I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
