the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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