I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
