highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
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