My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
