He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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