I just pynch a tree in the face
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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