You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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