My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
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