just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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