I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
