If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I wanna passion pit in your ass
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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