I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
high people should be assigned attendants
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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