I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
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