i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Randomize
