Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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