I haven't been this sober since birth.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
