I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
