I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Randomize
