So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
