You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
