when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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