I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
