You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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