I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
