You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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