i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
