Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
