Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
