it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
