Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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