exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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