CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
