Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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