a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Randomize
