1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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