Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
