the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
